


Burning eyes

by Multifandom_damnation



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Background Relationships, Chronic Pain, Drinking to Cope, Gen, Heavy Drinking, Hurt Kelly Severide, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Missing Persons, Self-Hatred, Sleep Deprivation, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 05:54:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18750370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Multifandom_damnation/pseuds/Multifandom_damnation
Summary: When one of their own goes missing after a long night at Molly's after a few too many, all of Firehouse 51 will do everything they can to make sure their own comes home safe. And maybe, just maybe, it's not him walking around the streets of Chicago drunk that they should be worried about.Maybe they should be worried about all the things that are happening to him that nobody can ever see.





	Burning eyes

**Author's Note:**

> I'm Australian so I can't really watch full episodes of this show (unless it comes out on Netflix, which it probably won't) so I'm only getting by with scenes from youtube, so if the timeline is out of whack or I've gotten something wrong, I'm sorry, but I tried. Let me know how I did x

“Cruz says that nobodies found him yet,” Matt said as he put his phone in his pocket, turning to Gabby as she stared worriedly at her own cell. “Boden’s called all of 51 in to look for him, but nobodies got him. Cruz and Otis have taken one of the trucks to search the streets. Mouch said he last saw him leaving Molly’s.”

“Kidd hasn’t seen him either, but she’s taken the ambo out just in case someone finds him and he needs help,” Gabby said, voice tight with worry. “I don’t know what’s gotten into him. He’s been acting really strange lately.”

They walked through the corridor towards their apartment, groceries in hand and faces pinched in identical looks of concern. It wasn’t every day that your best friend and colleague went missing, and Matt knew realistically that Kelly could take care of himself no matter what state he was in, but he still worried. “No matter how strange he’s been acting, it’s not like him to just disappear like this, especially without telling anyone.”

Gabby nodded in acknowledgement, something thick in her throat. “I know, I know, but I still don’t like him being out alone, especially on a time like this. Herrmann said he’d had a few to drink before he’d left Molly’s. You know how sometimes his temper gets ahead of him.”

Matt jostled his armful of shopping before fishing around in his pocket for the keys. “Me too. When we get in, we’ll put all this away and we’ll join the search. Besides, it’s Chicago- he knows these streets better than almost anyone.”

Running an exhausted hand down her face, Gabby placed her shopping bags on the floor and took the key from Matt’s hand with a roll of her eyes and a gentle complaint from him. “I’ve been worried about him for a while. He’s been acting strangely for a while now- there’s something… dark in his eyes. It’s been there since Shay died.”

“I know, I’ve seen it too,” Matt agreed as Gabby finally managed to turn the key in the lock and picked up her bags again. He continued speaking as he shouldered his way inside. “I haven’t known what to say, so I’ve just been keeping an eye on him. I guess I should have said something sooner- _Severide_?”

When Matt shoved open the door, he was taken aback by the form of a tall man by the window, an almost empty bottle of beer in his hand, leaning against the wall. Gabby pushed her way past him with a gasp and almost dropped her load of shopping on the floor. Quickly, Matt and Gabby placed their bags on the kitchen counter and stood there silently for a moment before Matt turned to Gabby and placed a hand on his arm. “Call 51. Tell them we found him.”

As Gabby rushed out of the room, pulling her phone from her jacket pocket, Matt turned to Kelly, who still hadn’t moved from the window. “Severide? What are you doing here man? All of 51 has been looking for you all night.”

“I’m sorry,” Kelly said, voice thick and slurred and for some reason, full of tears. Matt blinked in surprise. “I didn’t know where else to go.”

A spark of fear burst in Matt’s chest as he slowly made his way towards his friend. Placing a hand on his shoulder, Matt carefully turned him around and gasped at the swelling lip, the bruising around his eye and the blood streaming down his forehead from his hairline. His wrist was twisted painfully and he held it close to his chest. “ _Kelly_ , what…” Matt exclaimed in surprise. “What happened to you?”

Kelly shrugged and leant his back against the window. “I was just walking home from Molly’s when someone jumped me and ran. I uh, I wasn’t paying attention.”

Frowning, Matt reached a gentle hand out and prodded the puffy flesh on his face and felt a spurt of concern at the way Kelly flinched from the contact. “You live a long way from Molly’s. Have you been drinking?”

“We’ve all been drinking,” Kelly shrugged like it was no big deal, his movement sloppy and sluggish. “So what? I’m a grown man, Casey. I can make my own decisions.”

Matt held his hands up in surrender. “Hold up there, tiger. I’m not accusing you of anything, but none of the others was drinking. In fact, almost everyone is out looking for you, driving the trucks through the streets. I don’t remember there being any achievement tonight. Any reason why you decided to celebrate early?” Kelly shrugged again and Matt resisted the urge to sigh. “Come on, let’s get you on the couch. I’m worried you’re about to collapse as I’m looking at you.”

Slowly, Matt managed to stumble his friend to the couch, holding on to his arm for balance, before lowering him to the cushions. He could hear Gabby having a very rapid and frantic phone conversation from the next room and he was pleased to note that she had all that figured out. Kelly’s eyes were unfocused and staring at the wall, and he didn’t budge when Matt sat beside him. “How did you even get in here? The door was locked.”

“Shay gave me her key,” Kelly said bluntly, rubbing his hand down his face. “I didn’t know how long I was staying or when you guys would be back, so I just locked the door behind me just in case.” His glazed eyes were distant and there was such overwhelming sadness on his face that Matt felt it dig deep into his soul.

Placing a hand on his friend’s shoulder, Matt gently dug his fingers into the meat of Kelly’s flesh, the muscles tightly bunched. If he was being honest with himself, Matt had noticed his friend looking worse and worse with every day that went by- dark bags under his eyes, pale skin stretched tightly across his face, eye-lids always hanging low and his body as tense as a guitar string, but even though he had noticed all of that for a while, he hadn’t said anything, even when he really should have. “You look like shit,” Matt said gently and Kelly snorted. “When was the last time you slept? Or at least slept for more than a few minutes?”

“Not sure,” Kelly took a final sip from his bottle and placed it on the floor and Matt bit his lip to keep him from reaching out and taking it away from him. “It’s been a while though. I took a nap at the firehouse this morning, but other than that I don’t think I’ve closed my eyes for more than a few moments.”

Worriedly, Matt softly gripped Kelly’s chin between his fingers and turned his head to face him. The angry bruises were worse now that Matt was looking at them in better lighting and they stood starkly against Kelly’s too-pale skin. “Severide, this is bad. Really bad. You look like every crook in the city just kicked the crap out of you. Gabby’s in the next room, I can get her to have a look at you.”

Kelly sloppily pushed Matt’s hand away. “Nah,” he slurred, eyes fluttering and body giving a single convulsion that had Matt reaching his arms out. “I’m good. Let’s be honest, I probably deserve this.”

“Why would you ever think that you deserve getting beaten to a bloodied pulp?” Matt asked, incredulous. “You’re a good guy, Severide, even if you don’t feel like it sometimes. You don’t deserve anything like this to happen to you.”

“Well, there are some people who would say different,” Kelly said, voice dull. “And you know what, maybe I’m one of them.”

From the corner of his eye, Matt saw Gabby slowly come around the corner and sink against the table, her phone in her hand, the voice memo app opened and the microphone pointed towards the two men on the couch. She caught his eye and Matt nodded. “We’ve all been pretty worried about you, you know,” Matt said, keeping Kelly’s attention on him. “You’re not answering our calls, you’re not talking to us during shift and we wouldn’t even know you were alive outside of the walls of the firehouse if it wasn’t us seeing you at Molly’s every now and again. You’re distracted and you’re quiet when you’re normally loud and you’re basically being completely different to who you normally are. What’s going on with you?”

 “I haven’t noticed any of that,” Kelly said, filling with his watch. His hands were shaking and his voice wavered and there was something overwhelmingly wrong that Matt felt it in his soul. “So what if I’ve been quiet? It’s not like I’m avoiding you. And I don’t have to go to Molly’s every night.”

“No, but we’d much rather you come to Molly’s and drink with us than go home and drink alone,” Matt said and Kelly turned his head away. “Why didn’t you tell any of us that you’d left Molly’s and were going to walk home? I’m sure Herrmann would have been happy to take you home and maybe even Cruz would have been content to let you crash at his place. Boden probably would have let you stay at the station tonight. But you just left and we’ve all been worried about what could have happened to you.”

Kelly was silent for a moment too long before he said, “I didn’t want to worry anyone. I just wanted to let everyone have a good time without making sure I was still alive. I didn’t… I didn’t want to bother anyone.”

Scoffing, Matt longed to reach out and touch Kelly with the kindness he deserved, but something in the air and the way he was sitting told Matt that it probably wasn’t a good idea. “We’re family, Severide. Brothers. We look after one another, even when they don’t want us to. What are we here for if not to be a family?”

Humming, Kelly dropped his chin to his chest and tried to hide a wince in the darkness of the room. Matt shared a concerned glance with Gabby from across the apartment. Kelly didn’t reply, so Matt did what he could to take initiative. “Have you heard from your sister lately?”

“Not for the last few weeks, but last time I spoke to her she said she was good. She sounded happy.” Kelly replied. “Haven’t spoken to mum for a while either, but I’m sure she’s alright.”

“Right,” Matt said, the distinct feeling at clawing at straws digging at him. His eyes ghosted over the many scars that littered Kelly’s body, some faint white and faded and some a bright, angry red, new and raw to the touch. The skin on his arms was red and slightly bubbling from many years of rushing into raging fires and not always making it out unscathed. “And how’s the pain?”

Kelly looked away. “Pain?”

“You know, the pain you’re almost always in and that you take painkillers to calm,” Matt said. “The ones you were trying to cut down on because they weren’t working?”

“Oh,” Kelly said quietly and Matt didn’t sigh despite how much he wanted to. “ _That_ pain. It’s still pretty bad. I can usually ignore it, and if I can’t I just move on. No big deal.”

Matt pursed his lips. “Right,” He watched Gabby shift and wipe a stray tear from her eye, and abruptly was snapped out of his thoughts by Kelly standing up from the couch and moving towards the door. “Woah, where the hell do you think you’re going?”

Frowning, Kelly shoved his hands in his pockets and looked around the room, confused, as if he wasn’t sure how he had gotten there. “Home?”

Gabby took that moment to enter the conversation, stopping the recording and shoving her phone into her pocket before walking forward with a purpose. “Oh no you don’t, Severide. You’re staying here tonight. Nobody in their right mind would let you walk home like this, so it’s a good thing for you that I’m nice enough to make sure you don’t get your ass kicked because you squared up to the wrong people.”

“Exactly,” Matt agreed, moving to stand beside Gabby. “You can stay here tonight. We have a spare room for times like this.”

Reluctantly, Kelly nodded and after mumbling a muffled goodnight, he stumbled off towards the guest room in which he had stayed at many times before. When the bedroom door shut behind him, Gabby turned to Matt and wrapped her arms around him. “This is bad.” She said into his skin. “This is really bad. What are we going to do?”

“I don’t know,” Matt admitted, keeping his eyes firmly fixed on where he had last seen Kelly’s retreating back down the hallway. “But I think we’ll have to figure it out soon. I don’t know how much longer he can go on like this for.”

* * *

 The next morning, Wallace held Gabby’s phone in his hand as the recording ended, and he looked at Matt with pursed lips, eyes pinched in worry. “I’m going to be honest, I’m not sure what to make of this, Casey.”

“I didn’t either, but we found him alone in our house,” Matt said. “I wasn’t sure what to do with him, but he insisted on coming in today.” He turned his head to where Kelly was laughing with Joe and Brian near Truck 81, all of which were smiling and giggling like they hadn’t all just gone on a manhunt the night before, but Matt couldn’t miss the way Brian's eyes scanned Kelly up and down as if looking for some tiny detail he had missed and Joe’s smile wasn’t as large as it should have been. “I think it’s a good thing we brought him, though. Cruz and Otis have been keeping an eye on him since he walked in, and I don’t think the others are going to let him out of their sight for a little while.”

Wallace caught sight of Mouch and Peter standing against the wall, eyes on Kelly as though he was about to run away, and Chris stood nearby, pretending to check inventory and clean the tools to be placed back inside the rig. “I don’t understand how we could have missed it. We’re supposed to be a family, but when one of our own is hurting, we don’t even notice it?”

“I don’t know if you’ve realized this, Boden,” Matt replied, standing beside his Chief with his arms crossed. “But Severide is very good at hiding how he feels.”

“We need to figure out a course of action, and fast,” Wallace said as he continued to observe Kelly, who was still acting as if nothing was wrong and that nothing had ever happened in the first place. “I will not let this continue any longer than it already has.”

Matt watched as Kelly clapped Joe on the shoulder before walking off towards were the others were standing, shouting something about Capp and Herrmann doing something untimely, and for a split second, so quickly Matt almost thought he had imagined it, Kelly’s perfectly exterior dropped and his face was the picture of pure pain and despair, but it was back up in less than a second, a smile plastered on his face like a shield made out of tiny pieces of shattered glass. “If you want my opinion, Chief? I think, for now, all we can do it to keep an eye on him and just hope that whatever happened last night doesn’t happen again.”

Humming, Wallace handed him back Gabby’s phone and crossed his arms over his chest. “I don’t like it, but I think you’re right. But you know, I don’t think we’re going to have any problem on that front.”


End file.
